Why People Stay in Bad Relationships
Who hasn't remained in a bad or go nowhere relationship longer than they should have? We've all done it against our better judgment, whether we want to admit it or not. Many people, both men and women, stay in go nowhere, dead end relationships even when their personal dissatisfaction is so palpable it fills a room. Why?
1) Familiarity. Oftentimes, relationships are a matter of "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't." It's the comfort of dysfunction vs. the discomfort of the unknown. We all make choices about how much we can deal with and what we can tolerate. Some people worry that they'll end up in an even more dissatisfying relationship. They tell themselves that their current situation is a better option to meeting a new, possibly even more damaged mate or being alone.
2) The investment of time and energy. Sometimes, people don't let go of relationships they know they need to end because of the time and energy they've expended into them. It's hard to admit you've spent months or possibly years in a relationship that, for whatever reason just needs to end. In fact, the longer you stick with it, the harder it is to walk away.
3) The trap of working harder. Yes, relationships take work, but they shouldn't be a continuous uphill struggle. Healthy relationships are a source of mutual comfort, support, and growth, which often involve challenging each other to be your best selves. Every relationship hits some bumpy spots in the road, but it shouldn't be the Bataan death march.
If you keep having the same problems without resolution, the same arguments, the same hurt feelings and resentments and have been to couples counseling for a significant period of time and still can't reach a place of understanding, you probably need to end it. If you can't resolve the issues that bring you to couples counseling in 6-18 months, you might want to reconsider your choice to remain in the relationship.
Maybe you're not compatible. Maybe you've grown apart. Maybe it's an abusive relationship, in which case counseling rarely helps. An abusive partner will typically use treatment to further blame and control the non-abusive partner, quits treatment when confronted with his or her bad behavior and then goes "therapist shopping" or denounces therapy altogether. Don't confuse "working harder at the relationship" with entrenching yourself in the problem. It's often better to get out rather than dig your heels in deeper.
4) Shame and failure. It's difficult to admit a relationship needs to end. Many people experience ending a relationship with a sense of shame and failure. The real shame and failure is to waste your life in conflict and dissatisfaction or, in extreme cases, an abusive relationship.
Growth and change occur across a lifetime. Partners we choose for ourselves early in life when we're still sorting through childhood baggage make sense at the time. However, as we resolve those issues, if our relationships don't evolve with us, they will no longer fit. It's never too late to let go of misery or resignation and embrace change.
Posted at 4:36 PM, January 27, 2010 by My Virtual Shrink | Category: Relationships
2 Comments
#1: Posted by Mona at 9:13 AM, February 01, 2010:
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The shame and failure thing keeps a lot of people together. I have seen it. It's so sad. |
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#2: Posted by Bee at 12:42 PM, February 01, 2010:
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I am surprised the fear of being alone didn't get its own category. |
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